Let’s talk about motherhood anxiety

This is a personal one for me and for many other women. If not the majority of mums.IMG_20180828_162952

We all worry about our little ones, but there are excessive worriers out there.

I want to talk about that excessive worry, the over thinking, the thoughts.

I am one of those mum’s, and I can feel it getting worse and worse and I don’t know how to stop it.

I’ve spoke about postnatal depression in a previous post but not about anxiety. This over bearing anxiety is new, a month or two it’s been present in my mind. It can happen at anytime, no matter the age of your child, my daughter is 18 months.

I get good days, I get bad days.

The bad days, I can’t sleep or I over sleep. I don’t eat or I over eat.

The worst is the visions I get, something happening to my precious little life, a car accident, her falling inbetween the train line and the train (my most occurring one), her falling down with a serious illness and loosing her. Times like these I cry and I worry, I just want to wrap her up in cotton wool, cuddle her and keep her safe.

But I can’t do that.

I’m over cautious with her, I don’t like her near bridges unless I’m carrying her, I feel like I’m holding onto her to tight and being over protective, I hope to god this doesn’t effect her learning. But what can I do?

My biggest fear is loosing her.

I feel like my mind is going to explode at times.

I feel like no one can stop it.

How do you stop it?

Can you stop it?

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As I lay here, here’s a question?!

15374051358552132236458594660355.jpgI’m guilty, arrest me! 

Yes! I complained on my previous post how stressful my day was, how it was marvellous that my daughter went to sleep and I had peace…

I have a slight problem, Its 01.50am! And I’m here, awake.

Staring at her. Wanting her awake, wanting to kiss her, cuddle her, watch her play. That mischievous smile on her face. That giggle. 

Its Wednesday… or was… 2 hours ago! Mollie was at nursery today, and whilst she went into nursery, I pottered around at home, tidying.. enjoying some lazy down time. Then I went to work, by the time I get home from work it’s 11.30pm so she’s asleep. 

I want a mummy moment!

So… here is the question, We complain when we are stressed and just want some alone time, but when we do have that time.. we want our children with us! Why do we do this?! 

Or is this just me?

Yours Sincerely,

A slightly tired, definitely crazy mamma.

 

The devil has been reincarnated into my daughter!

Fuck it. I’m calling it!

It has been tantrums over tantrums today.

Fuck all sleep. 

From the minute my eyes opened to a screaming Mollie throwing her juice bottle at me shouting ‘juice’ I just knew it was going to be a shit day. Oh let me tell you, it got worse!  

A tantrum every hour? I assure you, I’m not over reacting! I had a tantrum over a cracker, over a shoe not going onto her foot properly, because the cat ran away and wouldn’t let her kiss him?

Seriously, I know there learning but some days you just need a fucking break!

9pm, and I’ve finally got some peace and quiet. 

Any mummas feeling the same?

 

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I understand why so many mothers suffering from PPD want to end there life.

March 07th 2017 was one of the most amazing and surreal days of my life, I gave birth (exciting right? Amazing, all the right feelings you should be feeling as a new mother) wrong. That definatley wasn’t the case for me, and millions of other women out there.

Mat, my partner and father was excited, ready and rearing to go. I was tired, hurting, confused, scared and did not know what the hell to do! 

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Life went on, I did what I had to do. What a mother should do, Mat couldn’t see what I was really feeling, I remember sitting in the bath every night, crying and wanting to dissappear. 

At 2/3 weeks post partum, I got to a stage, I couldn’t pretend anymore. I moved home to my mum, I left Mat (I didn’t want too, but he just couldn’t nor wanted to understand, he felt hurt and angry that I wasn’t feeling excited too, our relationship broke down, we were fighting and arguing constantly) 

Moving back to my mum helped, I felt like I could be myself, my sister moved home too, with her 7 year old. 

For the most part, I can remember feeling empty. I didn’t want to hug my daughter, I didn’t want to be around her, I just wanted to be on my own. But I did, I did it for her. Yes there were times my sister or my mum would help and take over for me, I didn’t have the energy or the strength. 

4/5 weeks post partum, I went out drinking, at that time I just wanted to feel like me and have some fun. I did, I felt like me. But coming home and back to being with my own thoughts, I made a big mistake (I can see this now, a year a half later) I wrote a note to Mollie, my little innocent baby. And left a few texts to my family, and her father. I then took an overdose, shaking and crying, I did that. I curled up, crying and screaming in my head, I felt peaceful, scared and confused. 

My mum came home, my sister’s and my dad where there, they were furious with me, confused. But they understood. 

But here’s the real thing:

I GOT HELP. 

I GOT BETTER.

Why am I writing about this now? Maybe I can help someone, maybe speaking about my experience, can shed some light to how you are feeling.

You think no one will understand. I want you to know, no one is alone. You are not alone. There is so many ways of getting help and self helping.

I would not change any of it. It has made me the mum I am. The love I have for her in unconditional. It will come in time xox

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The Journey Begins

Hi! Thanks for joining me! 😝

I’m not sure what to start this post on. Maybe I’ll try.. about me, my life.

I’m Sadie, I’m 23, I work part time.

I’m engaged to my love, his name is Mat. We have a beautiful daughter called Mollie. She’s 1 and a half and is crazy as can be, absolutely bonkers!

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I’m loving this journey of parent hood, it wasn’t a perfect start but hey, we got there! Let me tell you, pregnancy sucks! And the first few weeks post partum (for me) was hell! It’s not all hearts and daisys, not for everyone. But I can go into that another time! If wanted.

I work evenings, as a care worker and it is a very very rewarding job! It can be tiring finishing at 11.30pm and waking up early in the morning with a very hyper Mollie, but that’s life. I choose to work evenings so I can spend all day with Mollie- that way im only missing a couple hours with Mollie as she goes to bed at 8pm!

Anyway, we will see how this post goes and I can find my feet in actually what to write about, instead of flicking from topic to topic!

– Sadie 💕

 

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